Category Archives: Our Vision

Bible Study vs. Devotional Reading

Educating the WholeHearted Child: Chapter 10 (part 2)

WholeHeartedLast week I talked about three goals I had when it came to my children and the Bible.  After some prayer, I ended up amending the third goal, which was to start encouraging Ian to have a daily devotional time on his own.  It was a lesson for me in seeking the Lord’s will before making my own plans.  (Back to that Word for 2014: Pray!)

As I finished Chapter 10, I noticed that the Clarksons have almost an opposite approach to mine.

“Serious, systematic Bible study is important, but it can wait until the high school years.  In the childhood years, you are building spiritual appetites and habits for the Bible that will become personal commitments to serious Bible study later” (page 191).

They encourage Bible reading and developing a habit of daily devotions with younger children, but put off serious study until they are older.  In some ways that makes sense to me.  I really resonated with this statement:

“Too much formality risks turning the inspired Word of God into just another curriculum” (page 191).

I remember feeling that way in college.  I loved my Bible classes, and I felt so blessed to be at a Christian college where God’s Word was an important part of many of my classes, but I struggled at times with it becoming in some ways like another textbook.  I want to be careful to keep God’s Word as holy in our home, to not let it become “just another curriculum.”

However, I’m not sure I quite agree with what the Clarksons are saying.  Without serious study I worry they will be prone to take Scripture out of context (as I see so many Christians doing).  I see the early years a chance to fill my children’s minds and hearts with Scripture, and I feel that systematic study is an important part of knowing what they are reading.  My approach has been to focus on the stories and principles of the Bible, learning about the Bible itself, and memorizing as much as possible, laying a foundation for when they are older and their hearts/faith have caught up.

Also, as I wrote in my “amendment” last week, I want to hold off on encouraging Ian to have a daily devotional time until I know that he is resting on his own faith.  I don’t want to push him into “religious” habits that aren’t flowing from a heart that loves Jesus.  On the other hand, I know God can work through those times alone in prayer and Bible reading to help that loving faith grow and develop.  And I do think it’s a wonderful habit to help our children develop.

So I guess what I’m saying is I think it’s important to have both serious study and a more heart-focused devotional time.  For now, I feel God is leading me to wait until Ian expresses an interest in being baptized before guiding him toward a habit of devotional reading.  I suppose the best thing to do is continue to pray and seek God for wisdom in how to help my children walk along the path of faith.

Each Mentoring Monday I share my reflections on what I’ve been learning from my “paper mentors.”  I am currently joining in a book discussion of Educating the WholeHearted Child by Clay Clarkson (with Sally Clarkson), so my Monday posts are all being sparked by things I’m reading in this fabulous book!

Valuing Scripture

Educating the WholeHearted Child: Chapter 10

WholeHearted“It is a deliberate choice you make to ensure your children grow up valuing the Bible as God’s revealed Word, not just consuming it like another Christian product” (page 186).

As I read through this chapter I was struck by this idea.  We have tried hard to make this choice for our family.  Both of our older boys received ESV Bibles with their names imprinted on the covers when they turned four.  They read from them every night during our family Bible time as well as using them during school and whenever they want to read on their own.  They take them to church on Sundays and share them with the kids in the 5th grade class where Eric and I teach.  (We want to worship together as a family on Sundays, so we bring all our kids in with us.)

I overheard Elijah telling Arianna the other day, “When you turn four, you’ll get a real Bible too!”  I love that he knows it’s a milestone in our family, and that he sees the difference between Bible storybooks (of which Arianna has plenty!) and the “real” Bible.  It’s important to learn the stories, and with little ones Bible storybooks can be a great tool, but there’s nothing like the inspired Word of God.

This chapter brought to mind three two areas I want to focus on for improvement in teaching my children to value Scripture:

  • I want to be more intentional about pointing out to my children that when we read, God is speaking to us. I want them to know that this is different than all the other times throughout the day when Mommy reads out loud (which happens a lot the way we choose to teach them.)

“When you read and study the Bible with your children, remind them you are carrying on a conversation with the God of the universe.  When you open the Bible to read God’s words, remind them to open their hearts to hear God’s voice.  Remind them often that the Bible is not just an inspired curriculum about God and the Christian life, nor is it just a heavenly storybook, but it is God speaking to the world and to them through his revealed Word” (page 186).

  • I want to be sure I’m reading the Bible on my own in front of my children.  I tend to try to wait until I am alone to spend time in the Word, but while that time is definitely important, it doesn’t help model for my children the importance of the Scriptures in my life.
  • This probably needs to wait until after I’m more established on my second goal, but I want to start encouraging at least Ian to have a personal devotion time.  Right now I require all my children to lie down in their beds during “nap time,” even my 6-year old.  He often does sleep, but I think I could use the first part of those two hours to help him develop a devotional habit.  (After all, that’s often when I have my own devotions.)  I’ll have to consider this some more, but I want to keep it in mind and start heading in that direction.

Edited: After posting this I was praying about this last goal and felt God saying to wait, not just until my children see me reading my Bible more often, but until they really start expressing their own faith.  More specifically, I felt He wanted me to wait until after they have expressed a desire to be baptized.  Ian could probably tell someone what it means to have faith in Jesus and have our sins forgiven, and one time he asked me when he would be baptized, but he’s never said he wanted to do so or really expressed his own faith.  I think if I were to encourage devotions at this point it would be more of a religious exercise rather than time spent listening to God.  So I’ll just keep this in mind for later.  🙂

 

Each Mentoring Monday I share my reflections on what I’ve been learning from my “paper mentors.”  I am currently joining in a book discussion of Educating the WholeHearted Child by Clay Clarkson (with Sally Clarkson), so my Monday posts are all being sparked by things I’m reading in this fabulous book!

Non-Conforming Parenting

Educating the WholeHearted Child: Chapter 9

WholeHeartedAt first glance, this chapter on “The WholeHearted Learning Youth” isn’t exactly applicable to our family right now (since our oldest is only 6).  It provided a lot of food for thought about how I want to approach the years ahead, but much of it was just wisdom to file away for later.

One thing that stood out to me, however, was the issue of conforming to the world’s ways, not just culturally, but also educationally.  Am I making decisions based on what the world says my children’s education should look like, or am I allow God to be our guide?  My “Word for 2014,” PRAY, has helped me develop a habit of turning to the Lord for things I have previously just managed on my own.  The Clarksons reminded me that I also need to be seeking the transforming of my mind through the Scriptures.  In their discussion of Romans 12:1-2 they write:

“…Go to God’s Word to keep your mind renewed by truth.  The real power of God’s Word is not just that it’s true and trustworthy, but that it transforms–it is the ‘living and active’ Word that penetrates and changes ‘soul and spirit’ and ‘thoughts and attitudes’ (Hebrews 4:12).  The only way to know you are doing God’s will as a parent is to constantly renew your mind with God’s truth.  You become a conformist to the world’s ways of thinking by default; you become a biblical idealist only by design” (page 172, emphasis mine).

In my current season of life it is hard to find time to spend in the Word, at least to the extent that I have in the past.  I find myself grabbing snatches here and there: a few paragraphs from the open Bible I leave on the bathroom counter when I manage to catch a few uninterrupted moments, verses taped above my kitchen sink that I can meditate on as I do dishes, and maybe a few chapters during naptime when I’m feeling particularly starved (provided all four children actually stay in their beds for an extended period of time).  Yet I must cling to those scraps of Scripture if I have any hope of being the godly parent I want to be.

My children will only be young for so long.  I want to use these years as effectively as possible, both as far as training and instructing my children “in the words and ways of biblical Christianity” (page 174), and renewing my own mind with God’s truth.

Each Mentoring Monday I share my reflections on what I’ve been learning from my “paper mentors.”  I am currently joining in a book discussion of Educating the WholeHearted Child by Clay Clarkson (with Sally Clarkson), so my Monday posts are all being sparked by things I’m reading in this fabulous book!

Appreciating Each Child’s Uniqueness

 Educating the WholeHearted Child: Chapter 8

WholeHeartedGrowing up, my dad and I often butted heads as our iron wills came into conflict.  I felt like an oddball in our family, like no one understood me.  As I grew up, however, I realized that part of the reason my dad and I got so passionate in our disagreements was because we were actually alike in many ways.  By the time I was a teenager we had developed a healthy respect for each other’s strength, and disagreement between us became quite rare.

Chapter 8 was about personality and learning styles.  As I read through it I kept jotting down the names of people in our family who were described so well in certain sections.  Some of those descriptions don’t resonate with my own personality at all, but I see them in my husband or some of our children.  Oftentimes those are the things about them that frustrate me the most, especially when it comes to educating children who think or react to the world so differently than I do myself.

I think one of the greatest gifts we can give to our children is appreciation for the unique person God has created them to be.  My two older sons are incredibly different from one another, and I want to make sure they know that that’s not only okay, but it’s a good thing.

untitled shoot-099Elijah is very gifted with numbers, and at times it has driven Ian to tears when his younger brother comes up with answers to his math problems before he even gets a chance to start working them out.  But I remind him that we are all unique, and each of our strengths are important for specific things.  God has gifted Ian in ways that will prepare him for the work he can do for His kingdom, fulfilling a purpose that Elijah wouldn’t be able to do.

untitled shoot-119I want my children to have the self-confidence of knowing that God created every part of them, even their personalities and learning styles.  And just as they are uniquely valuable, so is each person they meet, created by God in a particular way to be used by Him for His own glory.

Each Mentoring Monday I share my reflections on what I’ve been learning from my “paper mentors.”  I am currently joining in a book discussion of Educating the WholeHearted Child by Clay Clarkson (with Sally Clarkson), so my Monday posts are all being sparked by things I’m reading in this fabulous book!

 

Our Home Library

    Educating the WholeHearted Child: Chapter 7

WholeHeartedOh, what a dangerous chapter this was!  I have been building a personal library since I was a child, and the Clarksons have now helped me justify my compulsion to fill our home with good books.

“A growing home library is absolutely essential for a WholeHearted Learning approach to home education… Just remember, books are an investment.  They have intellectual asset value.  They are nonconsumable curricula that can be used with every child, then with their children, and passed on to succeeding generations.  Books are worth it” (page 128).

AMEN!

Some things in Educating the WholeHearted Child have challenged me as they exposed my inadequacies.  Others have encouraged me as I see things I am already doing (or at least heading toward).  But I doubt there will be any other standards in this book that I even come close to attaining to the extent that I have already met their challenge to build up a family library.

So rather than a lengthy post, I thought I’d share some pictures.  These are only the “tidy” book areas, because as Margaret E. Sangster said (quoted in the sidebar on page 130), “To the genuine lover of books no house is completely furnished which has not a good many of them, not arranged formally in one room, but scattered all over the house.” There are several baskets (and stacks) that didn’t make it into any pictures.

If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you’ve probably already seen our main library in the school room:

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But I don’t think I’ve ever shared what our living room wall looks like:

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That still wasn’t enough space for me so here’s the entrance to our guest room:

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And a little back corner of the guest room (with 2 shelves in double rows, and yes, that box on the right and the one underneath it are filled with books, as are the cupboards under the shelf):

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And of course the kids have little mini-libraries in their room.  Here’s Arianna’s shelf (minus the books in her bed):

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And here’s the boys’ shelf:

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I know it doesn’t look like much, but that’s because their beds usually look like this:

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I cleared out Ian’s bed this week and it had to have had at least 30 books in it.  But I’m not complaining.  I’m too busy bursting with pride!  Yes, it’s a sickness, and I think it’s contagious.

I love this sidebar quote from Henry Ward Beecher on page 129: “No man has a right to bring up his children without surrounding them with books, if he has the means to buy them.  It is a wrong to his family.  He cheats them! … It is a man’s duty to have books.  A library is not a luxury, but one of the necessities of life.”

I don’t know if I’d go that far, it’s nice to know I’m not alone in my desire to surround my children (literally) with good books.  And I don’t think there’s any danger of them being cheated in this way!

Each Mentoring Monday I share my reflections on what I’ve been learning from my “paper mentors.”  I am currently joining in a book discussion of Educating the WholeHearted Child by Clay Clarkson (with Sally Clarkson), so my Monday posts are all being sparked by things I’m reading in this fabulous book!

 

Go and Make Disciples… Starting at Home

Educating the WholeHearted Child: Chapter 6 (part 2)

WholeHeartedIn the years before I got married I spent countless hours with other people’s children as both a classroom teacher and children’s ministry worker.  I felt driven by a passion to disciple the children God brought into my life, but there was always a certain amount of frustration for me.  No matter what I did during the hours I had with those precious souls, in the end I sent them home to those God had called to be the main “disciplers” in their life: their parents.  I longed for the day when I would have my own children to guide and influence.

Jesus didn’t have a casual relationship with his disciples where he met with them for an hour a week, or even an hour a day.  They spent pretty much every hour together.  Sometimes he verbally instructed them.  Sometimes he modeled the ministry of the kingdom of God.  But no matter what method he was employing, they were constantly learning and growing more like him.

When Jesus ascended to heaven, he left his disciples with instructions to follow his example, only now they were going to be the teachers.  “Go therefore and make disciples… teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you” (Matthew 28:19-20).  That commission has been passed from generation to generation.  Our pastor often characterizes it as “disciples making disciples.”  As parents, the most obvious place to start fulfilling this commission is with our children, who spend almost every hour with us much like Jesus’ disciples did with him.

This is my passion.  It is what I longed for during those years in classrooms and children’s ministry.  Now that I have my own children, I want to use the hours, days, months, and years to disciple them as fully as I am able.

“It is natural and normal for children to look to you for their moral, social, spiritual, and intellectual direction and to want to stay with their parents until they are grown.  It is unnatural and abnormal to believe others should or must raise your children for you and to divide your child’s heart between home and family and other authorities” (page 111).

I’m always a bit taken aback when people express surprise and awe at my wanting to keep my children home with me rather than sending them off to school for someone else to take care of.  “I’d go crazy,” they say.  “You must be Supermom!”  The idea of children spending a large part of their day away from their parents in school has become so normal in our society that we might not even stop to question it.

However, think about how God created families.  Nowhere in Scripture is there a basis for educating children apart from home and family.  I’m not Supermom.  I’m just walking out motherhood the way it was originally designed, spending each day with my children, instructing them and training them in the things God has taught me.  I am so thankful for the ministry He has given me at home, discipling these four precious souls and teaching them how to follow Jesus.

Each Mentoring Monday I share my reflections on what I’ve been learning from my “paper mentors.”  I am currently joining in a book discussion of Educating the WholeHearted Child by Clay Clarkson (with Sally Clarkson), so my Monday posts are all being sparked by things I’m reading in this fabulous book!

Homeschooling a Child’s Heart, Mind, and Spirit

Educating the WholeHearted Child: Chapter 6

WholeHeartedIf you are at all confused by all the different ways of homeschooling that you read about, this chapter alone is probably worth the cost of the entire book.  The Clarksons do a wonderful job of explaining the differences between curriculum-centered, content-centered, child-centered, and home-centered approaches to homeschooling, even breaking down those four main categories into smaller divisions and giving examples of well-known books, curriculum, and authors that follow each method.

I’ve been reading about homeschooling since my oldest was a baby, and it’s taken that long to sort through all the information and advice that is out there to get to the point where I feel fairly settled as far as what methods I want to draw from and what I want our educational experience to look like.  This chapter really helped me organize all that information in away that made sense and helped me evaluate the choices I have made.

“Homeschooling is not only about one part of your child’s life, as though you can raise a mind; it is about their whole life—heart, mind, and spirit.  Whatever model you choose, make sure it enables you to raise a whole child” (page 96).

Part of why I wanted to homeschool was to help my children to experience God in every part of their life rather than mentally filing spiritual matters into a separate category from academic subjects, sports, music, and anything else that occupies their minds and hearts.  My own experiences growing up were always so divided.  I chose to follow Christ when I was 14, and I distinctly remember feeling so proud when I gave any thought to God on a day other than Sunday.  He wasn’t a part of our conversations at home, and I attended public school until I went to college, so it took a lot of intentionality on my part to bring Christ into every part of my life.

I love being able to point my children to God as we go through our days, whether reading classic literature, exploring the world around us, or interacting with kids in the neighborhood or at their gymnastics class.  I want to be focused on God not just at church, but in our home.  I want homeschooling to be a lifestyle, a mentality that guides us throughout our day, not just for a few hours each morning as we get through our schoolwork.  I want to raise my children to be Christ-centered learners whose quest for knowledge brings them closer to God because they see His hand in everything they do.

Each Mentoring Monday I share my reflections on what I’ve been learning from my “paper mentors.”  I am currently joining in a book discussion of Educating the WholeHearted Child by Clay Clarkson (with Sally Clarkson), so my Monday posts are all being sparked by things I’m reading in this fabulous book!

Creating Self-Motivated Learners

Educating the WholeHearted Child: Chapter 5 (Part 2)

WholeHearted If someone asked me to point out the main differences between children educated at home and those in traditional schools, the notion of self-motivated learning would be high on my list.  As a product of public schooling myself, as well as a former teacher, I have seen all too often how schools seem to kill children’s natural curiosity rather than nurture it.  I’m not saying it happens to every child, and it certainly doesn’t happen immediately.  However, by the time children reach high school, their primary motivation throughout the school day is more likely to be achieving a certain grade or meeting a graduation requirement than actually learning.

I was one of the lucky exceptions.  While I certainly knew how to play the grade game and went through my school career (at least pre-college) with that sort of mindset, I was fortunate to maintain a love for learning.  I spent hours pursuing my own interests, eager to satiate my hunger for knowledge.  When I could combine school and learning, I did.  In my senior year of high school we were told to write a 12-page research paper on a topic of our choice.  My latest fascination was the canonization of the Bible, and I threw myself into the assignment with such gusto that the final product was a 16-page paper that earned me an A++ and a comment from my English teacher proclaiming it to be “a Master’s thesis!”

I remember being so thrilled that I could spend my time learning about something that interested me and having it count as schoolwork.  What a sad commentary on our school system!  I knew several families at my church who were part of the early Christian homeschool movement, so several kids in my youth group had grown up being homeschooled, and I was so envious that much of their education had looked like this.  I decided way back then that if at all possible, I was going to homeschool my own children.

“The ultimate purpose of true education is to create a strong foundation for a lifetime of learning… A child with a positive learning attitude will naturally be come a self-motivated learner and will more quickly become a self-educating student” (page 90).

I love watching my children take delight in learning.  When I see them scouring our overflowing bookshelves for a book about some particular subject they want to know more about, I cannot help but smile.  There are few things I enjoy more than seeing them come across something we’ve learned about as they go about their everyday lives and light up as they experience the satisfaction of feeling connected to the world around us.

The other day I wanted to find something to watch while I sat nursing the baby, so I put on the first episode of America: The Story of Us, and Ian ended up watching much of it with me.  It touched on several things we had talked about before, like the Pilgrims and the beginning of the Revolutionary War, and he was so fascinated we ended up watching it twice.  It stirred up a desire in him to revisit some of what we had done a few months ago, and today as he watched an episode of Liberty’s Kids, he called me over and rewound it so he could show me the engraving Paul Revere had done of the Boston Massacre, which had been mentioned in the documentary we had watched together.

I love that at 6 years old he is getting a thrill out of making connections between things he hears about history when he comes across them in various places!  I hope that as the years pass and his eyes are opened to more of the world around him that he will be just as excited about digging deeper and learning more about history, the Bible, science, famous people, literary treasures, and anything else that peaks his interest.  If he has that “positive learning attitude,” then no matter what gaps we may leave in his education over the next twelve years, he will be more than adequately equipped to set out on a lifetime of learning.

Each Mentoring Monday I share my reflections on what I’ve been learning from my “paper mentors.”  I am currently joining in a book discussion of Educating the WholeHearted Child by Clay Clarkson (with Sally Clarkson), so my Monday posts are all being sparked by things I’m reading in this fabulous book!

Building “Mental Muscles” for the Years Ahead

 Educating the WholeHearted Child: Chapter 5

WholeHeartedOh, I’m loving this chapter!  Up until now this book has been primarily challenging me and making me ever so aware of my weaknesses (not in a bad way, but it was making me tired just thinking about how far I am from being the mom I want to be).  Chapter 5, however, is right up my alley.  When the Clarksons first described their three “biblical priorities for a Christian home” back in Chapter 1 (home nurture, home discipleship, and home education), I knew right away that the third one is my strongest area at this point.  So I found this chapter encouraging, like having a minute to take a few deep breaths and enjoy a more level stretch after a tough climb uphill.

The idea of growing and exercising “mental muscles” in the areas of language, appetites, habits, curiosity, creativity, reason, and wisdom is one of the main things that is (or at least can be) different about home education in comparison with a traditional school setting.

“The true test of a child’s education is not what they know at any one time relative to what other children know (or don’t know).  It is whether or not the child is growing stronger in all of the most important learning skills–the skills that enable them to acquire knowledge, insight, and ability and to educate themselves independently” (page 75).

The school system has become so focused on testing what children have learned that it neglects to attend to the more important question of whether or not they know how to learn.  Rather than have my children be able to regurgitate a bunch of facts on a test, I want them to have a never-quite-satiated hunger for knowledge and to know how to feed that longing by seeking out the answers to the questions in their minds, whether those questions stem from circumstances in which they find themselves, things they stumble across in books, or simply from their own curiosity.

So we try to fill our children’s lives with rich experiences.  We surround them with quality books, music, and art.  We introduce them to the wonders of God’s world and the marvelous things that people are doing in it.  We try to teach them good mental habits so that they will be able to more fully experience and appreciate all these things.  We encourage curiosity and help them explore and build their knowledge about the things that interest them.

This is what we think education should look like.  I try to stay away from worksheets and busy work (unless it’s something my children are desiring at the moment).  I’d much rather read a good book to them and then talk about what we read.  I can always tell when we start to slip back into “school” mode, because it starts to feel like work.  When we are focused more on their hearts and those “mental muscles,” our school time is just a rich enjoyable learning experience together.

The most important part of all this, however, is not the pleasure we and our children get from learning now.  I try to keep the future in mind, remembering that I am preparing my children for a lifetime of learning.  I won’t always be by their sides to guide them, so I want to use these years to teach them how to teach themselves.

Each Mentoring Monday I share my reflections on what I’ve been learning from my “paper mentors.”  I am currently joining in a book discussion of Educating the WholeHearted Child by Clay Clarkson (with Sally Clarkson).

Parenting in the Power of the Holy Spirit

Educating the WholeHearted Child: Chapter 4 (part 2)

WholeHeartedThis chapter continued to convict my spirit and challenge me in my parenting, particularly the pages on discipline.  It is such a temptation to seek a formula for parenting that will ensure that the end result will be wise children who walk with the Lord.  Yet even with our oldest being only 6 years old, it is quite clear that formulas just don’t work when it comes to nurturing a little person uniquely created by God.  Why is it then, that when facing a parenting dilemma, my first thought is to run to a book?  (And not THE Book, either.)

“If my first impulse is to think about which proven method of discipline will achieve the results I want with my children, then I am probably not thinking about trusting God to change my children’s hearts… If I want my correction to impact my child’s heart, I must first, before anything else, ask God, the heavenly parent, to be involved in the process with me” (page 64).

I’m ashamed to admit it, but this thought never even occurred to me until I started reading Heartfelt Discipline, also by Clay Clarkson.  When I came across this idea, however, it really impacted me.  I’ve written before about my “word for 2014” being PRAY, and this is one of those areas of life where I want to be more consistent about coming before the Lord prior to making decisions or taking action.  I want my children to leave home remembering it as a place where they experienced the grace of God and the joy of obedience, not just a lot of rules and punishment for disobedience.  What better way to pass on grace to our children then to go first to the grace-Giver?  “Grace ensures that your correction begins with the ‘inner man’ of your child.  That is the real goal of spiritual discipline–to change your child’s heart so their behavior is changed from the inside out” (page 64).

That’s what I really want: changed hearts, not resentful obedience.  These words were on my heart today as I dealt with one of my children who has been particular stubborn and slow to obey lately.  Eric and I have been at a loss for how to parent him in a way that touches his heart and makes him want to obey.  So this morning as he stood there scowling at me, refusing to pick up even a single piece of laundry after I had asked him to sort a small basketful, I set aside my own frustration and the desire to just threaten punishment in order to get him to obey.  I let go of my own agenda and opened myself up to direction from the Lord.  What was going to reach this little one’s heart?  What was going to help him choose to do something he didn’t want to do?

I called him over to me, put my arm around him, and tried to get him to talk to me.  Why didn’t he want to help fold the laundry?  No answer.  So I decided to talk about the heart issue.  We’ve just started using We Choose Virtues so we’ve been talking about choices we can make and what it means to obey.  I reminded him of Proverbs 20:11, which says, “Even a child makes himself known by his acts, by whether his conduct is pure and upright.”

Then I asked him, “What do you want people to know about you?  Your ‘acts’ tell people about what kind of boy you are.  Do you want to be a boy people look at and say, ‘Wow, he’s really stubborn and doesn’t obey his mommy.  He just stands there scowling.’?”  He stared into my eyes.  “Or do you want them to say, “Look how obedient he is!  He’s so quick to do what his mommy asks!’?”  He nodded his head. (And inwardly I sighed in relief knowing at least he cared a little!)

I decided to try to make it a game.  I told him, “I’m going to count to 10, and I want you to see how many pieces of laundry you can get sorted before I’m finished, okay?”  He just stood there glaring at me with his infamous furrowed brow.

So I called him back over to me and basically repeated the same talk again before sending him back to the basket.  This time he managed to get 3 pieces of laundry sorted before I got to 10.  I chose to ignore the fact that he had done it slowly and still had that pout on his face.  Instead, I praised him for choosing to do it even when he didn’t want to and told him, “Let’s try it again.  I bet you can get even more this time!”  He got 8.

Now my other helper was itching to get in on the game so we let him take a turn.  It took two more rounds of counting to ten, but all the laundry got sorted and the bad attitude dissipated.  They both even managed to get their own laundry folded and put away without a single word of objection or nasty look.

Would it have been faster to just punish him?  Undoubtedly.  Yet I certainly wouldn’t have reached his heart that way.  This took a lot longer, but it left all of us feeling content.  My son felt the satisfaction of knowing he had chosen to obey and that I was proud of him for making that choice.  I felt relieved that I hadn’t responded emotionally but had let the Holy Spirit guide me.  I didn’t stop and pray (though next time I might try doing so out loud), but I did keep my own impulses in check so that I could walk in His power.  (And the laundry got sorted, which certainly makes me happy!)

I don’t always handle this kind of situation very well, but I would much rather be a spirit-led parent than a flesh-led parent.  The Clarksons’ words have been “ringing in my ears” since I read them last night: “When you confront and correct your children’s wrongdoing, think about how Jesus would speak to them.  He would be gentle, but authoritative; loving, but truthful; gracious, but firm” (page 65).  That’s what I long for.  That’s what I want my children to experience.  And so I will keep trying to turn to Him first, to trust in Him to help me learn to “parent in the power of the Holy Spirit” (page 64).

Each Mentoring Monday I share my reflections on what I’ve been learning from my “paper mentors.”  I am currently joining in a book discussion of Educating the WholeHearted Child by Clay Clarkson (with Sally Clarkson).  If you want to join in, visit our Facebook discussion group page.

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